I Can See For – Ah, Screw It: Ultimate Spider-Man #1 Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: This review contains spoilers. For example, Miles Morales is apparently Spider-Man now. And by the way, the spoilers start IMMEDIATELY.

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If you’re anything like me, the first thing you did after seeing the last page of Ultimate Spider-Man #1 is hit Google and see if spiders can, in fact, camoflage into their backgrounds. I did this even though I am petrified of spiders. Petrified to the point that season three of Buffy The Vampire Slayer is my favorite; not because of the plot, characters or theme, but because it was the first season without that everfucking scuttling tarantula in the opening credits.

Turns out, as I suspected, that any Web site touting the camoflagability of spiders will, by nature, include large, full-color close-up photographs of spiders in order to prove that some spiders can, in fact, blend into their surroundings. Which proves two things:

1. Brian Michael Bendis has done his spider research for this new iteration of Spider-Man, and:
2. If you are an arachnophobe, Brian Michael Bendis is a Goddamned douchebag.

Somebody Please Buy The Lady A Drink: Review of Demon Knights #1

I had intended to bring you all a recap of last night’s Deadliest Warrior: Zombies vs. Vampires, but then Daniel Bard imploded in the middle of his inning during last nights Red Sox/Blue Jays game and our local bar consoled us with beer and free popcorn until “Whoops, I have a job to go to in the morning” o’clock. So, that show is sitting on the DVR and I will get to it when I can.

However, last night I did get to read Demon Knight #1, written by Paul Cornell with pencils by Diogenes Neves (that may be the best name, ever). One of the things I remember most vividly at Comic-Con this year was just how excited the two of them were in discussing the book at one of the New 52 panels this past July. The other thing I remember vividly was this thing with a homeless guy and some Tide Stain Stick, but that’s neither here nor there. Demon Knights is truly something they should have every right to be excited about. Neves art is vibrant and expressive. I was already a fan of Madame Xanadu after Matt Wagner‘s run with the character, but between Neves’s work and Cornell’s character voicing, I just fell in love with the character:

Sometimes you just have to ditch the fairy queens of Avalon for the Dairy Queen. I get it.

Bad Spread: An Open Plea to Brian Michael Bendis

I will be reviewing the new Ultimate Spider-Man #1 later on today, but before I do, I’d like to address something that has nothing to do with the quality of the story or art in the new Ultimate Spider-Man, but is instead a humble entreaty to writer Brian Michael Bendis:

For the unholy love of jabbering FUCK, would you PLEASE stop writing two-page paneled story spreads?

If you’ve read pretty much any Bendis book ever in the past ten years, you know what I’m talking about: other than widescreen splash pages, most comic stories unfold one page at a time. You look at the left-hand page, read to the right-hand edge of that page, then down. When you reach the bottom, you then jump to the top of the right hand page, repeat, then turn page. It’s the common language of reading comic books. Hell, it’s the common language of reading ANYTHING published in the ENTIRE WESTERN WORLD, from Dick and Jane to Jane and Dick: An Erotic Adventure.