Bad Spread: An Open Plea to Brian Michael Bendis

I will be reviewing the new Ultimate Spider-Man #1 later on today, but before I do, I’d like to address something that has nothing to do with the quality of the story or art in the new Ultimate Spider-Man, but is instead a humble entreaty to writer Brian Michael Bendis:

For the unholy love of jabbering FUCK, would you PLEASE stop writing two-page paneled story spreads?

If you’ve read pretty much any Bendis book ever in the past ten years, you know what I’m talking about: other than widescreen splash pages, most comic stories unfold one page at a time. You look at the left-hand page, read to the right-hand edge of that page, then down. When you reach the bottom, you then jump to the top of the right hand page, repeat, then turn page. It’s the common language of reading comic books. Hell, it’s the common language of reading ANYTHING published in the ENTIRE WESTERN WORLD, from Dick and Jane to Jane and Dick: An Erotic Adventure.

There Goes The Neighborhood

As will likely always happen on Wednesday nights, things at Crisis on Infinite Midlives will go dark until tomorrow for the following obvious reason:

Yup, just like last week, there’s 13 DC Comics New 52 books that need… wait a second… what the FUCK…

Is that a fucking MARVEL book? Will Crisis on Infinite Midlives do the heretofore unthinkable and begin focusing on non-DC New 52 books?

Tune in next week for the answer to these questions on the next episode of… PIIIIIGS IIIN – IT’S NEW COMIC DAY, SO FUCK OFF, WE’RE DRINKIIIIING!

Max Brooks. Steve Niles. FIGHT!: Vampires vs. Zombies Tonight On Deadliest Warrior

How awesome is this?

Tonight on the Deadliest Warrior Season 3 finale the show goes live to discuss the undead. Max Brooks and Steve Niles argue for the cause of zombies and vampires respectively:

Los Angeles, CA, September 8, 2011 – After an overwhelmingly positive response, which included strong ratings and online traffic, to the first-ever LIVE “Deadliest Warrior” special event in August, Spike TV’s hit series, “Deadliest Warrior” is upping the ante to cap off a groundbreaking third season with an even bigger, supersized, 2.5 hour LIVE finale event (#dwlive). Steve Niles (30 Days of Night) and a surprise special guest join hosts Richard “Mack” Machowicz, Geoff Desmoulin and Dr. Armand Dorian to discuss and analyze the episode and results, answer fan Facebook (via the “Deadliest Warrior” wall) and Twitter questions in real time (@Warriors_Den), reveal never-before-seen footage, including a special visit to the ER to see a day in the life of Dr. Dorian and make an exclusive announcement “Deadliest Warrior” fans won’t want to miss. In addition, Spike TV is partnering with cutting edge audience participation company Loyalize to debut the simultaneous, live broadcast of real-time viewer engagement and polling results from fans voting on dwlive.spike.com.

The supersized LIVE event of “Deadliest Warrior” premieres Wednesday, September 14 from 9:00PM-11:30PM (ET/ tape delay PT) on Spike TV. The event will be the first to televise live, instant audience participation and second-by-second voting results as part of the on-air broadcast on Spike TV.

It’s like undead chocolate meets unholy peanut butter. Frighteningly delicious!

Tune in tomorrow, when I hopefully will have a recap and finalized plans in event of a Zombie-Vamp Apocalypse!

Laying Cable: Marvel Announces Avengers: X-Sanction

Yesterday afternoon, Marvel announced in a conference call that their next big event will be called Avengers: X-Sanction, written by Jeph Loeb and penciled by Ed McGuinness. The story will focus on the Avengers – probably to keep focus on the team for the release of the Joss Whedon movie nest summer – and will feature the return of Cable, the popular mutant character killed in the X-Men Second Coming event last summer. Cable, who was introduced in New Mutants in 1990 by *eyeroll* *drool* *take back fuck I threatened to give*

Okay, maybe that’s not fair and a little premature. Let’s see what Loeb has in mind for the story:

As to how Cable’s mission relates to the Avengers, Loeb said he “doesn’t want to give away too much,” but “how Cable survived ‘Messiah Complex’ and ‘Second Coming’ — and I do consider those one big arc — if there had been even a hint that the Avengers had something to do with Hope’s future, he would… do something to them.”

…[Marvel Senior Vice President of Publishing Tom] Brevoort said the event puts Cable in conflict with characters readers aren’t used to seeing him with. “The definition of Cable as a father out to protect his daughter by any means necessary gives the character a weight and heft you can relate to on a very human level.” There are also “some larger situations going on” for both Nate and the Avengers.

Okay, THAT changes things. NOW I feel… yeah: I got nothing.

The Nuclear Option: Atomic Robo Volume 6, #1 Review

So one last non-New 52 review from last week’s releases before the comic store opens and another 13 DC first issues make it impossible for me to find anywhere on my coffee table to put down my beer…

Actually, let’s stop and think about the New 52 for a second. I read an interview with Dan Didio today where he said that part of the reason we have the DCnU is because years of continuity preconceptions about characters made it hard to tell new and interesting stories about them. Didio quotes legendary DC editor Julie Schwartz:

…he literally said to me at one point, “Every ten years, continuity needs an enema, because your characters don’t age in real time, the stories don’t move in real time and when you build too much story against the characters, it holds down the potential stories you could tell for the future because you’re so beholden to the past.”

And being a reader of comic books for (Jesus) 36 years now, I can tell you Julie was right. Almost any comic book character will, over time, get mired down in continuity, old stories and character beats that makes doing something different with them nearly impossible.

(I say NEARLY impossible because regardless of continuity, it is still possible to read new and fresh stories about Batman making sweet, sweet man love to Optimus Prime while Strawberry Shortcake watches – thank you, slashfic! But I digress.)

For example: because of 70+ years of Superman-as-Boy Scout stories, DC continuity had to die in order for Grant Morrison to tell a story about a young, iconoclastic Superman (“But what about Mark Waid’s Birthright?” QUIET, YOU!).

Comic book characters get tied into telling certain stories. There is no exception.

Except for Atomic Robo.

Knife To The Eye! Footage From The Goon Hits Youtube

Eric Powell just put up some early test footage of the long awaited, but still frustratingly far away movie of The Goon. If the movie ever sees the light of day, David Fincher is supposed to direct. Clancy Brown and Paul Giamatti provide the voice work, as they did in the clip Powell showed at Comic Con in 2010.

What is it going to take to just get this thing made?

Amalgam Comics Redux

Considering the most effective and forward-thinking form of comic book marketing has historically involved white wire, ball bearings and the garish phrase, “Hey Kids! COMICS!”, DC Comics has been going all out hyping their New 52 books. They’ve put commercials for the books on TV (Including reportedly during The Daily Show to catch that wily college potsmoking demographic), trailers in movie theaters, and print ads in straight magazines (I can’t address any idle rumors about ads in gay magazines).

And they haven’t stopped there. Rich Johnston at Bleeding Cool reported this morning that DC’s bought themselves a bunch of sponsored search terms on Twitter.

Those search terms being the names of Marvel Comics characters.

This Book Is Now About Martians (And Other Aliens): Stormwatch #1 Review

What’s that old saying? “Roofie me once; shame on you. Roofie me twice and I will pistol grip mace bomb you.”? I think it’s safe to say that I approached the new Stormwatch with exceedingly mixed feelings.

I absolutely adored the book when Warren Ellis wrote it and I followed it over into The Authority, although based on this quote I found on The Authority’s Wikipedia page, that book almost didn’t happen:

one of the reasons I turned their STORMWATCH into THE AUTHORITY is that I found out that, despite the fact that no-one was buying STORMWATCH, they kept it going because they liked reading it in the [Wildstorm] office and wanted to keep me employed. And I felt so bloody awful about that, and at the same time had been so struck by Bryan Hitch’s STORMWATCH issues, that the train of thought that led to THE AUTHORITY began.

The Authority limped through many incarnations of writer and artist after the inital Ellis/Bryan Hitch run that included Mark Millar/Frank Quietly, Robbie Morrison/Dwayne Turner, Ed Brubaker/Dustin Nguyen, Grant Morrison/Keith Giffen/Gene Ha…actually it’s around here that I started to tune out of The Authority. I think I might have picked up “The Authority/Lobo” one shots (‘cuz, you know, it’s friggin’ Lobo), but I was pretty burned out on the book. And, it didn’t help that somewhere in this time period Wildstorm tried to relaunch Stormwatch with the blatantly anemic Stormwatch: Team Achilles and Stormwatch: Post Human Division. It’s dead, Jim. Stop being a necrophiliac.

But, back to the actual book.

Bwa-hah-ha-huh?: Justice League International #1 Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: This review contains spoilers.

I love the Foo Fighters, but I have trouble listening to more than a song or two in a row. Because whether it’s on purpose or what I bring to the music as a listener, I very quickly become convinced that every song is Dave Grohl singing about Kurt Cobain. In Your Honor. Friend Of A Friend. My Hero. Darling Nikki. Courtney Love Chokes Pole. Rob Shouldn’t Write Reviews While Drinking. You get the point.

I got the same feeling reading Justice League International #1: almost every panel seemed like it was about the DC Comics reboot.

Look: the first line in the book is:

Confidence in every level of authority is at an all-time low.”

A page later, this exchange between a member of the UN Security Council and head of UN intelligence Andre Briggs happens:

Mneh, Mneh, Mneh, Mneh, Mneh, Mneh, Mneh, Mneh: Batmanning

I came across this on Geek Out!:

What is “Batmanning,” you ask?

Zachary Levi, bona fide nerd and star of NBC’s “Chuck” seems to have popularized the concept on his Twitter late last month, a response to the “planking” craze.

Levi tweeted a photo he found of a man hanging upside down by his feet in a doorway, not unlike a scene in the 1989 “Batman” where Michael Keaton’s Bruce Wayne is caught doing the same thing.

Levi’s tweets have been more and more influential ever since he launched “The Nerd Machine” website just over a year ago. His supporters helped drive “Chuck” to a fifth season.

Will “Batmanning” succeed as a nerdy twist on “planking?” (“Carbonite” planking by two of the writers of the next “Star Trek” movie, notwithstanding.)

So far, a Youtube video uploaded a few days after Levi’s tweet showing various creative methods of “Batmanning” around the campus of Purdue University has 750,000 page views.

For what it’s worth, here’s that Youtube video:

I like to think of myself as a huge Batman fan, but I’m also a fan who needed Special Gym as a child. Batmanning would only lead me to bruised ankles and a cracked skull and I had quite enough of that in kindergarten. Stupid ball crawl.