Avenge Me: Marvel’s February Solicitations

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Last week, DC Comics announced their solicitations for their upcoming releases for February, and there was a… disturbing trend of books with covers that made the heroes’ thighs look like something that would make Johnny Wadd Holmes weep with bitter, envious frustration.

But surely the repeating nature of DC’s offerings was just a coincidence. One would think that Marvel, who just released their own February solicitations, would never fall into the trap of repeating themselves in the space of a single month!

So let’s take a look at what is sure to be the widely varied and diverse offerings that Marvel has for us in February! (Rob: Tone down the pissy sarcasm and show the nice people the books. -Amanda)

February is gonna give us the debut of Ed Brubaker’s and Butch Guice’s Winter Soldier (Presumably because Disney is saving the title “Stabby Bucky” for their next Pixar magnum opus). This is Lee Bermejo’s variant cover featuring Bucky standing in the snow… and you might be thinking, “Huh… why the glove on the metal bionic arm, Bucky?” Well it’s obviously cold out. All men use both hands to pee. You ever see that scene in A Christmas Story where the little bastard sticks his warm tongue on the cold metal pole? Yeah.

Okay, what other new stuff does Marvel have for us in February – the shortest month?

Wow! It’s… Winter Soldier #2! Also by Brubaker and Guice! The solicitation says that the issue includes talking gorillas, which is a new and unique concept for superhero comics. Based on the Bermejo cover, it also includes Bucky taking Black Widow hostage to use as a human shield. Or to use for some other unknown reason, considering those gloves are fingerless.

We’ve also got Defenders #3 by Matt Fraction and Terry Dodson, apparently subtitled: Anarchist, No-Logo Venom Comes To Fix Red She Hulk’s Copier While The Other Guys In The Defenders Office Watch, Bemused!

Hey! Captain America #8 by Ed Brubaker and Alan Davis: Cap Needs a Sammich! Or perhaps AZT!

Okay, Avengers #23, by Brian Michael Bendis and Renato Guedes! Says here that it’s about Hydra making a play for HAMMER, and then – wait, what’s that?

Um… there’s no cover listed, but it seems it’s also Avengers #24! By Bendis and Daniel Acu! So anyway, Norman Osborn’s gonna try and take control of… huh?

Okay… 28-day month February also gives us Bendis’s and Mike Deodato’s New Avengers #21! So yeah, Norman Osborn and the Dark Avengers have a battle to… what? What the fuck is it now?

New Avengers #22? Four fucking Avengers books in four fucking weeks? How is that even possible to… no… NO!

Rick Remender’s debut on Secret Avengers #22. With Gabriel Hardman on pencils. With Art Adams doing the cover. Is that –

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Secret Avengers #23. by Remender, Hardman and Adams. Solicit asks: “Who are The Descendants?” At this point, I’m guessing Avengers.