EDITOR’S NOTE: This review contains spoilers, such as the fact that Venom rides Captain America’s motorcycle. Which you learned from the cover to your left. Damn covers have no regard for spoiler alerts. However, consider yourself warned. 

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: a guy walks into a Marvel comic, and he gets confronted by Captain America. Cap tells the guy that he’s out of control and he needs to be brought in, so the guy tells Cap that he’s always respected him and that Cap’s been a big influence on him, and then he punches Cap in the temple, steals some of his shit and gets away clean! Ha! Get it?

Oh, you’ve heard that one? Of course you have. It’s been a staple of Marvel Comics at least since Daredevil: Born Again. So much so that Mark Millar and Matt Fraction hooked it for The Punisher during and just after Civil War. And then Mark Waid took it for Daredevil #2 just three or four months ago. Hell, Daniel Way used it in Deadpool this fucking week. And now Rick Remender’s dusted it off for Venom #10. And considering all these characters wind up kicking Captain America’s ass when he shows up, it’s reaching the point where I’m beginning to think that Captain America’s Kryptonite is simple respect; if Baron Zemo had offered to shake Cap’s hand before shooting off that rocket, this book would take place in the Wunder Universum and everyone would be eating schnitzel right now.

This time around, Cap shows up to shut down the government program that hooked Flash Thompson up with the Venom symbiote. Unfortunately, Cap’s timing leaves a little to be desired, since Thompson is being blackmailed to do crimes as Venom by Jack O’Lantern and Crime-Master – because nothing proves you’re a master criminal like telling everyone you’re a master criminal. Ask Keyser Soze. But I digress.

I know we’re heading into December and that, as the season gets colder, we all try to find ways to keep warm. Me? I go to my day job and get money to pay for utilities, like gas and electricity to run my heat. Maybe I throw on an extra pair of socks and pop open a bottle of Bowmore. Scratch that. I definitely open the bottle of Bowmore. Michael Alan Nelson, on the other hand, burns books, specifically, his own. Why?

Even though I’ve been writing comics for seven years and have written over 120 single issues for dozens of series, most comics readers have never heard of me. Now, that’s not a woe-is-me-nobody-reads-me-wah-feel-sorry-for-me statement. Not at all. Let’s be honest. If you’re a customer and can only afford one comic, are you going with the book about a character you’ve been reading since childhood or a book by some guy who includes his middle name in his credit like some self-important twit? The math is simple. Childhood Hero > Self-Important Twit.

That said, I’ve been fortunate enough to have people take a chance on me and many of them can now be called my fans, for which I am incredibly grateful. I believe, as does BOOM!, that if you read one of my books, chances are you’re going to enjoy it and want to read more. The problem is getting enough people to pick up that first issue.

Um, ok. Seeming self esteem issues aside, this lead you to burn your own books in what appears to be some kind of publicity stunt? Really?

Yes, really. Check it out after the jump…oh, and some spoilers on the book in question.

Okay, nobody panic, but recently someone was wrong on the Internet!

A couple days ago, J. Michael Straczynski posted a chart with a horrifying, Killington black diamond descent slope that he found at some undisclosed location on a Facebook page with the comment: “Sales on The Amazing Spider-Man since my departure. Just sayin’. ”

Now, here at Crisis On Infinite Midlives, we love us some JMS. We make it a point to hit the Spotlight on JMS panel at SDCC every year, and we’ve even watched Jeremiah because of his involvement, and not to watch the final career destruction and public humiliation of Luke Perry. Well, at least mostly because of JMS.

And there was a time when I would have cheered a post like Joe’s, because there is, in fact, a bright and shimmering line between JMS’s run on The Amazing Spider-Man and what came after. I call it a bright, shimmering line because to me, it resembles a steaming, stinking arc of urine: One More Day.

One More Day was abominable. It was a wretched and cynical move to eliminate Peter Parker’s marriage from continuity without rebooting the whole character… because Marvel doesn’t reboot! Making a deal with the devil to eliminate your past is just a minor course correction! And exposing your genitals to school children is just a form of enthusiastic mime!

And frankly, the early issues of Amazing Spider-Man after One More Enthusiastic Mime were almost as bad. A rotating writing and art staff, with some kind of apparent editorial mandate to chuck a bunch of villains for Spider-Man to fight and a pile of new tail for Peter to chase felt forced. Sometimes almost desperate. I mean seriously: Paper Doll? Who makes people thin and kills them? A little on the nose, dontcha think? What, did Dan DiDio throw a trademark on the name Teabag?

So yes, there was a time I would have been on JMS’s side with his post, despite it being so passive aggressive it makes a Jewish grandmother look like John Rambo. There were several months where I kept The Amazing Spider-Man on my pull list on a week-by-week basis. However, these days the book is exclusively written by Dan Slott. It’s gotten over it’s weird need to come up with new villains no one gives a shit about, and, recent only-okay Spider-Island event aside, it has been a source of damn fun comics stories. And Amazing Spider-Man #675 is no exception.

In a sentence, The Defenders is Matt Fraction trying to write Warren Ellis’s Nextwave.  Nextwave was some of the biggest, purest, dumbest comics fun I’ve see in years before or since, so there are worse things to aspire to.

Does Fraction succeed? Kinda. And for now, “kinda” is good enough.

For those not familiar, The Defenders was born as a team book back in the 70s, and they were the very definition of Nobody’s Favorite – a bunch of second-stringers, to the point they were led for a while by Marvel’s knockoff pastiche of Batman (Yes, there is another one besides Moon Knight). The book consistently came in behind Marvel’s big hitter team books, Avengers and X-Men, and died mostly unmourned in the early 80s. To give you an idea how a lot of people felt about it, one of the most recent revivals was helmed by Keith Giffen, J. M. DeMatteis and Kevin Maguire – the guys behind Justice League in the 80s, which was another team of inveterate second stringers – and, as they eventually did with Justice League, they played the Defenders mostly for laughs.

The original Defenders series was only notable for being a place where more experimental writers like Steve Gerber could run wild – they teamed up with Howard The Duck once, for Christ’s sake. And it seems to be in this spirit that Fraction is trying to ground his new Defenders.

The lineup is just about the same as it ever was – Dr. Strange, The Silver Surfer, and Namor, with Red She-Hulk thrown in instead of The Hulk, probably because Ike Perlmutter will be damned if he pays four people to draw The Hulk on a monthly basis. Fraction also throws Iron Fist into the mix; an optimist might say it’s because Fraction made his Marvel bones writing Iron Fist with Ed Brubaker… a pessimist might say it’s because he’s developed a taste for giving comics fans the fist. But I digress.

Yesterday Marvel announced that their big crossover event for 2012 will be: Civil War! Wait – I mean: Avengers Vs. X-Men!

In a streaming press conference with Editor-In-Chief Axel Alonso, SVP of Publishing Tom Brevoort, Senior Editor Nick Lowe, and Marvel’s Architect writers Brian Michael Bendis, Matt Fraction, Jason Aaron, Ed Brubaker and Jonathan Hickman, they gave the gist of what we’re in store for: about 300 clams to read the whole story! Wait, that’s not right

…the seeds for this story have been growing for a while. When [the 2007 X-Men event] “Messiah CompleX” introduced the so-called “Mutant Messiah,” a little girl with green eyes and red hair named Hope, it raised the obvious question, “Who is she?” and, of course, the specter of the Phoenix.

So if I had to hazard a guess, the Phoenix Force is returning to Earth, probably to infect the little girl who looks just like Jean Grey, if Jean Grey were redrawn by commission for loathsome perverts. The X-Men will want to protect their messiah, The Avengers will want to stop a potential extinction-level threat to Earth, stuff will explode, and dudes will get kicked.

It is Wednesday, and after a week of day job crises, enforced workplace holiday jocularity (A fucking cash bar, Goddammit? Thanks for the drink tickets, but as far as I’m concerned, those are what should be given to me after being pulled over driving home drunk from the open bar company party! Cheap pricks…), and a death in the extended Crisis On Infinite Midlives family (Not me, despite all wagers to the contrary, which means I win the over!), it means that we’re psyched to finally get to New Comics Day! So yes: we did blow another podcast deadline, but we’re going for a fresh start, because this…

…means not only that we survived the week, but that it’s the end of our broadcast day.

But a new week means a new start, which includes (unlike last week) a bunch of DC New 52 books, a new The Boys, David Lapham Crossed, and a Crisis On Infinite Midlives favorite: The Strange Talent of Luther Strode! And given the week we’ve had, there’s even a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles buried in there for some much-needed nostalgia and whimsy.

So hopefully this week will be a little less… eventful… than the last so we can review them, but even if it is, first we gotta read them.

So… see you tomorrow, suckers!

It is the twenty-first century, and it has been a week, so that must mean that someone tried to do something tricky about digital comics that pissed almost everybody off.

Earlier this week, Dark Horse Comics announced that, like DC and Marvel’s Ultimate line, they were going to make their books available digitally on the same day as the print copies. The problem is that they didn’t specify any details about their pricing model, which, for older books that they’ve made available digitally to date, is generally a buck ninety-nine, compared to the normally $2.99 print editions.

And then the comics Internet shit its tubes.

A couple hours ago, Comic Book Resources ran an interview with Brian Michael Bendis in which he announced he will be ending his run on The Avengers in 2012. Seemingly instantaneously, message boards, Facebook accounts, and Twitter all exploded with chatter. In the interview, Bendis discusses where his Avengers arc is going, the addition of Storm to the team, and how a newly revitalized Norman Osborn is going to flare up and plague The Avengers like herpes on prom night. And he compared his run on The Avengers to Breaking Bad.

“I’m going to wrap up ‘Avengers’ and ‘New Avengers.’ At the same time the first storyline of ‘Avengers Assemble’ will be done,” Bendis told CBR. “It’s a good time to move on to other things. Before I go, though, I’m ending things big. I’m in countdown mode. You know when you’re watching a show like ‘Breaking Bad,’ and every episode feels like the second to last episode? That’s where I’m at. I’ve been on the Avengers longer than anybody in the history of the book. When you take everything into account, I’ve written over 200 issues. I’m very, very proud of that, and what we have coming up this summer gives me the opportunity to go out on a high note. I know enough about showbiz to know that’s a great time to go.”

Smallville ended it’s eleven-year run earlier this year, although if you’re anything like we at Crisis On Infinite Midlives are, it ended for you a couple or three years earlier when you realized that you could no longer watch any of the episodes that weren’t the one a year written by Geoff Johns if you were even remotely sober. I mean seriously: Doomsday is a paramedic who makes a pass at Chloe Sullivan, who was originally supposed to be Lois Lane before Lois Lane showed up and who became super-intelligent after being kidnapped by Brainiac who looked like Spike from Buffy, and just typing that made me want a double Jack Daniels.

The point is: Smallville is over. I tuned in to watch it finally roll over and die. So I win, right?

Right?

EDITOR’S NOTE: Houston, we have a spoiler.

I have sat in front of this empty page for about a half an hour now, reading and rereading Spaceman #2 and trying to figure out how to describe it. I am finding it difficult. Normally this would be because I was shitfaced. In this case, it’s because there’s really nothing else like this comic currently out there… although in all fairness, I am a little buzzed right now.

Seriously: I can’t pigeonhole this book. It’s a crime story with an epic sci-fi element with pieces of cyberpunk dribbled in. It opens with a man holding a gun on a monkey-man and an Asian child in her underwear. It ends in a pirate attack. In between there’s an astronauts in trouble arc and the collapse of the world economy. There is also more than one gunfight, an evisceration, a drug overdose, and a man’s face torn apart by a spinning propeller. All of which sounds like it’s an enema bottle and a tube of astroglide away from being a high-budget German scheisse flick, but somehow it all hangs together.