Batman Intoxicated: Legends of The Dark Knight #1 Review
Let’s get the obvious out of the way up front and confirm that no, Legends of The Dark Knight #1 is by no means required reading. A printed collection of digital-first shorts that DC has been publishing online first since June, these stories take place outside of current DC continuity – sometimes apparently taking place outside of any known DC continuity – and if it weren’t for the involvement of some A-List talent, would appear to be nothing more than DC looking for ways to monetize their backlog of emergency backup stories, some dating back to God knows when – one of these stories clearly takes place back in the Grant Morrison’s / Joe Kelly JLA of the late 90s / early 2000s… although with the setting on the JLA satellite, it might take place in 1978 for all I know.
So do you need to read this book? Hell no; as I said: this feels like DC using their old inventory to scrape four more bucks out of you this week. However, do you want to read this book? Well, if you’re interested in seeing how both some top-shelf and up-and-coming talent view Batman, with absolutely no continuity or ongoing story constraints? It actually is kind of interesting… if somewhat problematic. After all, this appears to be a playground for doing Batman stories, and sometimes on playgrounds, people fall down. And sometimes people are offered free candy and a van ride, but my personal life is none of your Goddamned business, and besides: I’m getting off point here.
There are three stories in this issue, opening with The Butler Did It, written by co-creator of Lost Damon Lindelof, wth art by Animal Man writer Jeff Lemire. This is a story that takes place early in Batman’s career, with Batman riding high with confidence that he is unstoppable and without weakness, only to discover that he has one or two. And one of them is the writing.
This story requires you to believe two things about Batman:
- That sometimes he likes to get shitfaced and mouth off to Alfred about how awesome he is, and:
- That Alfred sometimes likes to hire goons and circus freaks to ambush his surrogate son and beat him until he looks like a Chris Brown neck tattoo.
Look, this story works on some levels. I can buy into a young Batman becoming overconfident in his abilities, and his concerned father figure feeling that Batman is putting himself in danger by not recognizing his limitations. There’s a good story in there somewhere. The problem is, I have never seen any indication in 70-plus years of Batman stories that Bruce likes to celebrate his victories over a bottle or two of scotch. Plus, Batman is a crappy drunk; I’ve been drinking with guys who get liquor muscles, and it rarely ends in a costumed adventure… usually it ends in a puddle of vomit with the “badass” whimpering, “order me a pizza so I don’t die.”
And would Alfred really round up some muscle to throw a savage beating on Batman? If Alfred is clearly aware of Bruce’s one weakness, why not set up the stage and have Batman swing down into a stern talking-to? Is an asskicking really necessary? It’s like the man says: “Buy a man a fish and he eats for a day, but beat that man into unconsciousness with a pipe and brass knuckles, and he’ll have memory issues and wretched Muhammed Ali tremors for a lifetime.” Clearly, I’m having trouble buying it.
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