star_wars_logoIt is Valentine’s Day, which means that couples everywhere are discussing matters of the heart. They are having heart-to-hearts about their relationships. Their futures. Their dreams. And, if that couple has been together for a while and know each other in a truly intimate manner, they discuss things that truly matter. Things such as the shortsighted and deeply flawed attack plan that Darth Vader launched following Admiral Ozzel’s clumsy and stupid drop from hyperspace into Hoth orbit, where he used overwhelming armored forces to achieve exactly fuckall, due to his apparent belief that a “flanking maneuver” is a Correllian sexual position, and that a “killbox” is a derogatory euphemism for a skilled laboress who trades in the Correllian Flanking Maneuver.

Well, it’s a good thing that, earlier this week, Wired Magazine published a lengthy article by defense blogger Spencer Ackerman discussing, in fairly low-level detail, the tactics used by Darth Vader and his attack fleet during the Battle of Hoth, a battle that only a week ago I would have sworn under oath that I knew more about than not only any American military battle, but also knew better than any of my childhood fistfights.

Turns out? Yeah, not so much. It turns out that the heroic escape of the Rebels in the face of overwhelming evil and incredible odds was, instead, the military equivalent of suckerpunching a kid in a helmet who drew up his battle plan with Crayolas.