So, like any good geek, I have finished reading both Flashpoint #5 and Justice League #1 by Geoff Johns. Apparently, I’m not the only one. Justice League #1 is heading into it’s third printing. So, that must mean it’s pretty damn good. Right?

Well, I’ll start with “it’s good because that means fucking Flashpoint is now finally done.”

Flashpoint didn’t do a hell of a lot for me. Between the insane body count and the fact that somehow Kim Kardashian is more competent at pulling off a wedding than Wonder Woman, I just couldn’t get in to it. I really wanted to. I did. But, frankly, I’ve been suffering from massive event fatigue since about the end of Blackest Night so, no offense to Mr. Johns, but he could have created a dimensional rift that allowed the sky to rain vodka and My Little Ponies with power rings and I would have said, “Oh? That’s nice” and rolled over and gone back to sleep. Stick a fork in me.

In Flashpoint #5, Barry Allen finds out that his arch-nemesis, Reverse Flash, is not actually the Big Bad of the series but that all of the problems that will lead to the end of life as we know it are his own damn fault. Barry wanted to save his mom and, as Thawne The Reverse Flash puts it, he “changed time like an amateur!” So, The Flash is now in a position where he has to go back in time and stop himself from saving his mom for the greater good. He is sad about it, but he does it. Also, Batman, played by Dr. Thomas Wayne in this continuity, kills the Reverse Flash by running a sword through him. Way to do no harm there, Doc. He also passes the Flash a note to give his son in the restored timeline so that Bruce will know that he will always be loved. Batman cries. He fucking cries! Gah! There’s no crying in Batman! It’s a very Hallmark moment and would have been right at home in a Smallville script. There’s a reason I stopped watching that, too. In the new world order, apparently Geoff Johns has Batman’s testicles in a box somewhere.

But, you know what? It’s over. Let’s move on with our lives. And remember to call your parents to tell them that you love them. They’re like, important and shit.

Justice League #1 is…not objectionable. The story opens slowly and begins with Batman and Green Lantern, immediately establishing the tense relationship Batman has with any cop that isn’t Jim Gordon. Johns writes their banter well while moving the story along. A lot of showing rather than telling – I like that. Vic Stone appears in the middle of the book. He’s not Cyborg yet. He has hopes and the dreams and the whole rest of his life in front of him. He’s got everything going for him except a hole in his heart where his daddy’s love should be (hmmm…I’m beginning to sense a theme here….does somebody need a hug, Geoff?). It looks like the beginning of a compelling story line. Superman is introduced at the end of the book. Aliens seem to be causing the problems in fair Gotham city. Superman is an alien, therefore Superman is suspicious. Green Lantern likes him for this. Green Lantern is a shitty detective. Hal wants to throw Superman in the box and interrogate him like he thinks he’s Frank Pembleton or something. Hilarity ensues. Jim Lee’s art is pretty to the point that it’s almost distracting. I know that makes me look like I’m trying to find something to pick on, but I think we all remember the 90s where the most compelling part of pretty much any comic book was the art (thank you, Todd MacFarlane!) over the anemic stories. I just hope in the relaunch of the DCU that the art and stories remain balanced and complimentary to one another. If I want to look at over muscled freaks grappling with each other in glossy layouts, there is plenty of gay porn that I can find for free on the internet.

All in all, I liked what I saw and will try to keep an open mind on a book by book basis. I am also willing to be bribed to keep an open mind. Send a crate of whiskey, care of this Website and I’ll probably be amenable to any damn thing you want to pitch me.

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