You might have heard that, starting in Justice League #12, writer Geoff Johns and artist Jim Lee will be starting a storyline where Superman and Wonder Woman take their relationship, shall we say, to the next level. They go from friends, to friends with benefits, provided my “benefits” you mean “The Kryptonian Armpit Gank.”

We didn’t jump on this story here at Crisis On Infinite Midlives because, after nearly 40 years of reading comics, this isn’t our first rodeo – we’ve seen these two crazy kids bump overidealized comic book uglies in Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Strikes Again, and saw it intimated in Mark Waid and Alex Ross’s Kingdom Come, plus if you can spell the words “comic” and “slash” and find the enter key on your laptop, you can get all the super sucky-fucky you can shake your stick at. Besides, these things come and go in the comics – remember when Batman almost chucked the Bat Meat to Zatanna? These things never last, and we figured we’d address it in our review of the issue.

That is, until DC decided to hype the story by setting up profiles for Superman and Wonder Woman on Match.com.

In and of itself, putting Superman and Wonder Woman on Match.com isn’t the worst thing in the world – DC’s getting some press for the comic story, so why not hype it up with something lighthearted? And this was clearly meant to be all in fun; lines like Superman’s, “I tried the workplace dating scene but I couldn’t handle the drama; too much office gossip, co-workers always getting kidnapped by supervillains, etc.” are obviously an attempt to treat the whole thing in a lighthearted manner for the non-comic reading public to drum up interest.

The problem is: the non-comic reading public is in no way invested in a love story between these two characters: they want to hear about the down and dirty details of two superhumans hooking up and doing the Lasso of Taint. So completely free of charge, here’s our suggestions of what to put in Superman’s and Wonder Woman’s Match.com profile the next time they hook these characters up (because this won’t last):

Superman:

  • I enjoy looking deeply into a woman’s eyes and partially lobotomizing her with my heat vision. Accidentally, of course. Yeah. Accidentally.
  • A year ago I decided not to wear my pants in public. Best. Decision. Ever.
  • My interests include writing, hanging out in my insular clubhouse with like-minded friends and pretending to be someone I’m not. No LARPers, please.
  • The “S” on my chest stands for, “Sorry, Kryptonians have a low sensitivity threshhold. Can I get you a towel for your chest, and a compression bandage for your sucking chest wound?”
  • What do I like to see in a woman? Seven inches of throbbing Kryptonian crystal. Then my dick.

Wonder Woman:

  • Every time I try to put on pants, I let hoards of fanboys get them off me again for a few more years.
  • I carry rope and magic bracelets, you simpering worm.
  • I grew up without a father figure and just discovered my dad is the God of War. So in short: I’m an Army Brat with Daddy issues. WHY WON’T YOU EMAIL ME?
  • I am an honest-to-God princess. I hesitate to bring this up, because this revelation didn’t work so well on J-Date.
  • When I meet a man, I like to give him a ride on my invisible jet. Which is what I call the glass thing with the clit bumper on my nightstand.
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