Walking Through Mud: The Walking Dead #115 Review

This review is going to be colored by the fact that I am sick to fucking death of Negan and am more than ready for The Walking Dead to move on to something new.

We have been dancing with this character for fifteen months and his crew of douchebags for even longer than that, and for the entire time it has felt like the guy has one note, and writer Robert Kirkman has been playing it over… and over… and over, in an unending loop that should offend the mind of any self-respecting software developer:

while (bool negan.getIsAlive())
{
    negan.sexualizeBaseballBat();
    negan.leaves().
    List ricksPlanToBeatNegan = new List ( { “Take The Fight to Negan!” } );

    ricksPlanToBeatNegan.getIndex(n).execute();
    ricksPlanToBeatNegan.getIndex(n).setSuccess(false);
    negan.threatenMassViolence();
    n = n + 1;
}

See what months and months of reading about Negan has done to me? I develop software for my day job, and I just spent ten minutes trying to come up with a valid Java-ish method rather than contemplate 12 more issues with this fucking character.

But 12 issues should be the long and short of Negan, because The Walking Dead #115 signals the start of the major story arc All Out War, which should give us the final showdown between Rick’s and Negan’s people. And if the check that the title’s floating is any good at all, this showdown will be a straight-out fight, rather than these little insurrections and half-measures and bouts of oneupsmanship that have made reading The Walking Dead since July of (Jesus) 2012 feeling like walking through thick mud: you take forever and a ton of effort to take every step, and yet go nowhere fast.

So things should start speeding up… eventually. Because part one of All Out War is really more of the same.

From Out of The Past: Nine Missing Late 60s Doctor Who Episodes Released

Well, it’s official: the BBC has announced that they have recovered nine episodes of Doctor Who from the run of Patrick Troughton, the second Doctor. Which means that I will only need to spend a full day watching British children’s television to bring myself up to speed… but since the episodes have been released only via iTunes, it will mean that I will finally be forced to give Apple my real name. Or wait something like 24 hours for the episodes to be released to Bittorrent. Jesus, did I say that out loud? Either way, I’m getting ahead of myself here.

The episodes are from the 1967 story arc The Enemy of The World and the 1968 arc The Web of Fear, which is the first story to feature The Great Intelligence…

Hey Amanda? What’s The Great Intelligence?

Well Rob, he’s the guy with the evil snowmen. The one that was voiced by Magneto in that Christmas special. And I think he was the leader of The Whisper Men in that Name of The Doctor episode.

Were those the ones that ripped off The Gentlemen from Buffy? I don’t remember that one all that well. I was pretty shitfaced when we watched that.

You mean as opposed to now?

…don’t give me static. I’m doing journalism! Or at least blogging. It’s like journalism, only you can go off on ridiculous tangents, and no one cares if you do it in your underpants!

Anyway.

Brain Bleach – Pectoral Implants a la Khan Noonian Singh

Say it with me: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Ever want the massive, gleaming chest sported by Ricardo Montalban in Star Trek II – The Wrath Of Khan, but can’t commit to diet, exercise, or silicone prosthetics? Well, pine because of your puny, flat physique no more. The fine people at SuperHeroStuff have just the t-shirt for you. For just under 40 American dollars, you too can achieve the look of a man who has been placed on ice for a lengthy stretch of his wretched life and then spent 15 years in exile with nothing to do but hate Kirk, plot revenge, and push ups.

So, don’t put down that can of Pringles, my friend. Throw this shirt on, pop your Star Trek II DVD in the player, and eat up. And know that when Shatner yells that immortal line, he’s really yelling for you.

Via Fashionably Geek.

Archie And Victims: Afterlife With Archie #1 Review

“Afterlife With Archie is my pick of the week,” said the owner of my local comic store, where they know me by name and generally ask me to stay right the hell away from the kids’ comics.

“…you gotta be shitting me, dude.”

“I am not kidding. It is not like any Archie comic you have ever seen…”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Goddamned Archie comic,” I muttered.

“…and no matter what you think, it is much darker than you think it is,” he said.

“It would almost have to be.”

“Go take a look,” he said, “Dig to the back of the stack and find one of the variant covers.”

I pawed past copies of your expected Archie-style cartoony fake horror covers and saw… something unexpected. “Jesus. How’d they convince Francesco Francavilla to do a cover for this book?”

“By letting him do the interiors, too.”

“…come again?”

“Check it out. Take a look at page three.”

I opened the book. “Um… is that a Francavilla splash page of Jughead handing Sabrina The Teenage Witch a dead fucking dog?” He nodded. “Okay,” I said, “I’ll try anything once.”

So I did try it. And allow me – a 42-year-old cynical and angry drunk who has just read an Archie comic book – to tell you this: Afterlife With Archie is pretty fucking good.

Everyday Superpowers: Carrie Publicity Stunt Is Kinda Awesome

I haven’t paid a lot of attention to the upcoming remake of the movie Carrie, starring Chloe Grace Moretz, because the Brian DePalma original from 1976 is a Goddamned classic, and seeing a remake is just yet another sign that Hollywood is out of original ideas and they won’t champion new properties and I am getting old oh God so old get off my lawn you damned kids and turn down that rotten hippity hoppity okay who pissed in my pants?

Ahem.

Anyway, even though Carrie is, as many of Stephen King’s best works, a superhero story (Don’t believe me? Carrie is about a girl with Jean Grey’s powers. The Dead Zone, The Shining and Doctor Sleep are about guys with Franklin Richards’s powers. Firestarter is about a girl with The Human Torch’s power. Jack Sawyer in The Talisman and Black House jumps dimensions like Pariah. And if The Gunslinger from The Dark Tower isn’t Batman with a gun, I’ll shit myself), it hasn’t really been on my radar… until this little stunt.

The producers set up a publicity stunt in a New York coffee shop where they packed the place with a few actors, a fake wall and some gimmicked props, before opening the place for business to the rubes and staging a little impromptu demonstration of psychokinetic rage. And while I try to call myself immune to these made-to-go-viral video publicity stunts, this one put a smile on my face. Because if I had been there to witness it live, I would have counted it as the greatest thing I had ever seen. Right after I established exactly who pissed in my pants.

You can check it out for yourself right after the jump.

Evil Lurking In The Heart Of The Devil: Dynamite And Dark Horse Announce Matt Wagner’s The Shadow Vs. Grendel

Since taking over The Shadow license, Dynamite Comics has come out with what seems like a Bakers Dozen worth of Shadow titles, some good, some only okay. And I have taken or left them on a title-by-title basis without really getting excited about too many of them after Garth Ennis’s initial few issues… up until now.

Dynamite and Dark Horse Comics have announced that they will be producing a crossover: The Shadow Vs. Grendel. Colt .45-wielding Vigilante Lamont Cranston versus Wagner’s fork-bladed staff-swinging master criminal Hunter Rose.

Jesus. This idea is such a gimme that I’m almost okay with it being yet another project between Wagner and Mage: The Hero Denied.

Sweet Boneless Jesus – Review Of Todd The Ugliest Kid On Earth #6

Ed. Note. This review starts off with spoilers. Ugly, ugly spoilers. And tits, but, mostly spoilers. You’ve been warned.

The world is not what it seems.

That is the message writer Ken Kristensen and artist M.K. Perker are trying to get across in Todd The Ugliest Kid On Earth – and they are succeeding.

Ever wonder why Charlie Rose is so damn popular? Arguably, because he is a national treasure (his words). Also? Satanist. No, scratch that. Satanist-In-Chief.

Yep. Kristensen and Perker have created a world where Rose is a Satanist hunted by a Groucho Marx lookalike, where tits are the mirror of the soul, and local bullies get their comeuppance during a Seven Minutes In Heaven session that rapidly devolves into their own, personal Crying Game. And in the middle of it all?

Todd. The Ugliest Kid On Earth.

Interested? You should be.

Christmas In Whoville: Previously Lost Doctor Who Episodes To Be Released

Update, 10/7/2013: The BBC has announced that the press conference has been delayed until “the end of the week.” Which day exactly? You got me. This is one of those… yeah: still not gonna write that phrase that starts with “time” and has too many “-ey”s in it.

—————————

So apparently it’s official: there will be some new Doctor Who episodes released. Or actually, make that old ones. New old episodes? I dunno; fucker’s a time traveler, isn’t he? You figure it out.

Okay, here’s the deal: for years, a lot of the earliest episodes of Doctor Who featuring the first and second Doctors (William Hartnell and Patrick Troughton, respectively) have been considered “lost,” due to the BBC’s forward-thinking practice, until 1978, of bulk-wiping their old videotapes to save money on having to buy new tapes with which to capture Jimmy Saville finger-blasting prepubescent girls on Top of The Pops.

In total, 106 episodes from the early years of Doctor Who have been missing and unseen for years, although every once in a while rumors pop up saying that some episodes have been found in some musty basement in some Third World toilet somewhere, and they almost always turn out to be nothing. But today, however, the BBC has officially announced that they have recovered, and will be screening and making available for digital purchase, some previously lost episodes as soon as this coming Wednesday.

How many episodes? Well, actually that’s a good question.

The Present Ain’t What It Used To Be: The Shadow Now #1 Review

Editor’s Note: Who knows what spoilers lurk in the hearts of men? Oh, I’ve used that one before? Well, I’ll email you a full refund.

Back in the mid-1980s, Howard Chaykin rebooted The Shadow for the 20th Century with his Blood & Judgment miniseries for DC Comics. And that story was a classic, firmly dropping Lamont Cranston into what was then the present, including MAC-10s instead of Colt .45s, a pastel pallate, and, being a Howard Chaykin book, more tits and ass than you can shake a stick at. And even though the book came out when I was 15 years old, long before the widespread adoption of the Internet, I categorically deny that I ever shook my stick at it. But I digress.

Well, that story took place 27 years ago, which means it’s time for another reboot, because God knows that unless someone comes up with a rational explanation for it, you can never allow a comic book character to not age in real time. That’s why Batman ‘s latest wonderful to is a colostomy bag. Jesus, I’m losing the thread again…

Anyway, writer David Liss and artist Colton Worley are tasking themselves with the same goals that Chaykin had back in 1986: bring The Shadow into the present day. And how would a dude carrying a couple of guns and an adenoid laugh fare in the world of the Internet, easily-available pornography, and where the evil that lurks in the hearts of men is leveled off by Adderal and Xanax?

Not nearly as well as you’d hope, actually.

Prime Real Estate At Close-Out Prices: Marvel To Publish George Romero’s Empire of The Dead

Back in February, we reported that Marvel was teasing some kind of comic with one of those text-based promo images reading, “…of The Dead,” and that George Romero, the director and creator of Night of The Living Dead and Dawn of The Dead (not the one with Ving Rhames; the good one, with the guts and exploding heads and the story), had also announced that he was working on some kind of zombie comic for Marvel.

And at the time, I speculated that, rather than Romero working on, say, a Marvel Zombies story or anything like that, that instead he would take the opportunity that comic books, with their unlimited special effects budgets, to tell a truly epic story about the zombie apocalypse. You know, like World War Z, only with blood, and people getting eaten. I realize that those are optional elements for stories about the walking dead who exist only to feast upon the flesh of the living, but you know: they’re nice bonuses.

That announcement in February was that the book would be released in the fall. Well, it is the fall… and Romero and Marvel has announced that they will be releasing Empire of The Dead, a 15-issue miniseries staring in January. And that it is based on a 300-page screenplay that Romero wrote that was originally intended to be a movie set in New York City during his Night of The Living Dead zombie apocalypse. And why is he doing it as a comic book?

“I could never afford to shoot there,” Romero, 73, says with a laugh.

I am wrong a lot, but Goddamn am I glad I called this one right.