Can I Get Dental With That? – Review Of The Punisher #5

In the most recent reboot run of The Punisher series, Greg Rucka has chosen to take the tactic of letting Frank Castle’s actions tell the bulk of the story. As he told Comic Book Resources:

We’ve had so many people over the years do an amazing job of getting inside Frank’s head, it seemed to me that nobody needed my take on it because it would just be me aping somebody else really. We know Frank. He’s very straight-forward about what he wants, why he wants it and what he’s willing to do to get it. We ran with him not talking for as long as I think we could get away with in terms of the story. It’s not that we were trying to render him mute as much as, he’s a guy who doesn’t have a lot to say. He’s not the type to talk to hear himself talk. Plus, he doesn’t really surround himself with people that he’s going to converse with.

The rest of the story is told from the point of view of the characters on whom Frank’s actions have had an impact: a police officer, Walter Bolt, who receives a promotion after being perceived as a hero during a shootout in which Frank Castle actually was the one who saved Bolt’s life, a bride, Rachel Alves, who is the only survivor of a massacre that took place on her wedding day, and Norah Winters, who is covering Castle in an attempt to be taken more seriously as a reporter. It’s an interesting choice for Rucka; Castle is so involved in his one man war on crime that he either doesn’t care or have time to acknowledge the impact his actions have on the few people he has around him. Punisher #5 continues in this vein as the characters approach Thanksgiving in the 616.

Spoilers and small children after the jump!

Deus Ex Machina: Fear Itself 7.3: Iron Man Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: This review contains spoilers. But considering the comic this review is about wipes away just about the last persisting effects of the entire Fear Itself event storyline, it’s not like it fucking matters. However, you have been warned.

You want to talk to God? Let’s go see him together. I’ve got nothing better to do.”

– Indiana Jones

The story in this comic book is horrible. It steals shamelessly from better comic stories by better writers, attempts to simulate depth by rehashing a philosophical point conveyed better in an 80’s teen sex comedy, and blows away any lasting effect of the Fear Itself event with a storytelling device that every writer since the ancient fucking Greeks – even the lowliest and worst hack –  has said, “Yeesh, I’d better not end it that way. The audience would kill me.”

DC Universe Online – Good, Evil, and the Politics of Ass Kicking

It’s time for my bi-fortnightly contribution to the site.   I just recently learned that bi-fortnightly actually means “every four weeks”, not “bisexual night in Rob’s blanket fort” as I was originally told.  Rob and I will be speaking further about this discovery and its implications. – Lance

So DC Comics’ MMORPG, DC Universe Online went free to play earlier in the month.  Thinking, “the price is right!” I grabbed my mouse, put on my Batman Underoos and dove right in.  And waited.  After about five days, DC got their hardware issues unscrewed and I was off to the races with PunchKicker, a Community-inspired hero.  I have to say, in terms of atmospherics DC really gets it right.  Metropolis feels like Metropolis.  It’s sunny, optimistic and full of life.  Gotham City, in turn, feels like the last gasping breath of a dying wino.  Seriously, it’s eerie how close they got on that one.  Come to Rob and Amanda’s house on Club-a-Wino-to-Death night and you’ll see.

Doubleteaming: Avenging Spider-Man #1 Review (Analog Edition)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Avenging Spider-Man is the first book in a new Marvel Comics initiative where they provide a free download codes for a digital copy of the book inside the print edition’s back cover. This review is about the story and art itself. We will be publishing a secondary review about what it was like for me, who has never downloaded or read a digital comic in my life, to try and download and read the digital copy. I imagine it will be slightly more difficult than downloading pornography, which I accidentally did four times while writing this paragraph.

Amanda made me promise that I wouldn’t start my review of Avenging Spider-Man #1 ranting about Marvel’s lack of internal logic in it’s own continuity. She made me swear that I wouldn’t start screeching about how the book depicts Mayor Jameson taking time to officiate the New York Marathon not ten days after the conclusions of the Spider-Island and Fear Itself events, both of which had left Manhattan looking like a fraternity toilet the morning after Bladder Bust night. And she made me promise on a stack of Holy Books (Well, my issues of Miracleman) that I wouldn’t sneer in pointing out that Thor is shown in this book as the most dedicated Avenger, reporting to duty to battle a giant robot despite a prior commitment made in Fear Itself to decay and smell bad.

So, being a man of my word, let’s talk about Avenging Spider-Man #1 on it’s own merits. To start with, the title “Avenging Spider-Man” is a much better title than “Marvel Team-Up”, which is really what this book is.

It’s All In The Reflexes – Review Of Wolverine #18

There was a time when a man could be kingpin of the Chinese criminal underground in San Francisco in relative quiet and safe anonymity. Just be left to while the days away, occasionally kicking some uppity newbie Triad ass, collecting whatever protection money you had coming to you. Leave the city for weeks, months at a time on Avengers or X-Men business and come back, pick up where you left off.

Wait, what?

Yeah, Wolverine has lots of secrets.

Spoilers, a large sweaty man in a diaper and dragon chow after the jump.

You Too Will Believe A Flightless Water Fowl Can Fly, Maybe – Review of Penguin: Pain And Prejudice #1-2

Oswald Cobblepot, aka The Penguin, made his comic book debut in Detective Comics #58 in 1941. Like Batman, he too was conceived by Bob Kane, but his origins have varied over the decades to suit the needs of the writers. In this most recent incarnation, as is being detailed in Penguin: Pain And Prejudice, written by Gregg Hurwitz with art by Szymon Kudranski, The Penguin’s back story seems to be along the lines of being from a well-off family, but rejected by his father, brothers and school mates for his short stature, beak-like nose and generally milquetoast personality. Indeed, the only person in the world who loves him unconditionally is his mother. He returns her love with a burning affection that would make Oedipus blush.

Well, a boy needs something hold onto in the crazy world of ours, right?

Nah.

It’s just kind of icky and sad.

But does any of this have to do with Ozzie’s rise to the top of the Gotham crime scene beyond making us feel vaguely uncomfortable as we read it?

Spoilers after the jump!

Recidivism: New Avengers #18 Review

Albert Einstein supposedly said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Norman Osborn is insane. Brian Michael Bendis might be too.

Let’s start with the most important thing to keep in mind when reading this review: I didn’t particularly like Marvel’s 2008 – 2009 Dark Reign crossover event all that much. The foundation behind it – that Norman Osborn was made head of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Renamed H.A.M.M.E.R. to sound all badassed during the event) – meant that reading a Marvel comic during that time required a suspension of disbelief that would make Hercules say, “Ah, fuck it.”

Yes, I know Osborn killed that invading Skrull Queen in Secret Invasion. He also killed Gwen Stacy. In cold blood. In the middle of New York City. On camera. Making Osborn the Top Cop was roughly akin to setting Bernie Madoff up as Secretary of the Treasury, or hiring Ted Bundy as the Headmaster of The Finishing School for Aspiring Victoria’s Secret Models.

The biggest thing Osborn did during Dark Reign was create his own “official” version of The Avengers, packed with supervillains dressed as their superhero counterparts. With Daken as Wolverine, Venom as Spider-Man, Bullseye as Hawkeye, et cetera, et cetera. Which is a brilliant and interesting concept… for say, a two or three issue story arc. As a fiendish plot by some master criminal to fool street cops. “I know… while we are robbing the New York Bank of New York, we will dress in the costumes of our enemies! That will make the police mistrust and harass The Avengers, and we will have our revenge! Mwu-hah-hah-ha!”

Instead, the Dark Avengers went on for almost a year and a half, all based on a concept that also only worked if you never stopped and thought about it for even a second: “Hi, Mr. President? Meet Bullseye. Hired assassin. Done years and years in prison. Once had a brain tumor back that made him hallucinate and kill strangers. Also killed Karen Page in cold blood. In a church. And there’s garage surveillance footage of him stabbing Elektra to death floating around on the Internet. Can we get this man a badge and a security clearance? And while you’re working on that, I’d like you to meet Venom…”

I Was A Teen Vampire, er, Vampyre – Review Of House Of Night #1

Stephanie Meyers inflicted Twilight on the world in 2005 and reminded the everyone that light pop horror sells big with teen girls and soccer mommies. Many authors took advantage of this and the market has been pretty well flooded with many books by hopefuls looking for a piece of the emo-oriented action. The House Of Night series, written by mother-daughter team P.C. and Kristin Cast and first released in 2007, is one of these.

I didn’t know this, when I picked up House Of Night #1, written by the series creators and adapted by screenwriter Kent Dalian. All I knew was that Dark Horse was putting out another vampire book and it was just a dollar. I read the whole thing from cover to cover thinking, “Wow, I feel like this story, this story that is the first issue of what is going to be an on-going series, seems to be dropping me in the middle of events that I should already know about and feels like a pitch to the CW that got turned down because The Vampire Diaries was going to be similar and cheaper to make.” And then I read the inside of the front cover and discovered that:

This series takes place between scenes from Betrayed, the second novel in the House Of Night series.

Oh.

Spoilers that may or may not include the trials and tribulations associated with being a teenage vampire vampyre after the jump.

Do-Over: Fear Itself #7.1: Captain America Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s Wednesday, so let’s slip one more review in before the comic stores open with this week’s books. And this review contains spoilers. But it’s no big deal, because the spoilers in this review have already been spoiled. And sacked. Oh wait, I’m American – I meant teabagged. Whatever. Anyway…

Life Model Decoys are android body doubles that are sold to S.H.I.E.L.D. by Stark Enterprises. Which is owned by Tony Stark. Who is Iron Man. And would presumably recognize one of his products. Particularly when wearing his Iron Man armor, which is all sensory and shit.

So when expert spymaster Nick Fury decided to hide the fact that Bucky Barnes was not actually killed in Fear Itself #3 but instead was apparently just resting, he chose to replace him with a Life Model Decoy. And make Tony Stark, while wearing the aforementioned sensory-and-shit Iron Man armor, the first person to whom he showed said decoy in service of this fraud.

With logic like that at hand, it’s a shame that Fear Itself #7.1 writer Ed Brubaker isn’t writing issue 7.2, so we could see Fury trying to convince Thor that Mjolnir is a buttplug.

My Inner Child Takes A Break – Review Of Peanuts #0

Ok, full disclosure – I once played Snoopy in a school production of “You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown” when I was 8. I was confronted with this fact in full 8mm glory recently. So, I was fully prepared to dislike Peanuts #0 and complain that it shit on my childhood. But, honestly, inasmuch as we tend to focus on the more adult oriented comics on this site, particularly in the wake of “T” and “T+” DC titles that may as well stand for “Tits” (or “Tits Plus!”) instead of “Teen/Teen +”” (Red Hood And The Oulaws, Catwoman, etc.), there are actually a lot of great books out right now that will bring enjoyment to readers of all ages. For example, Boom! Studios has started a kid friendly imprint called Kaboom! Studios. The titles range from licensed properties, such as Darkwing Duck and Chip And Dale Rescue Rangers, to original books such as Snarked! by Harvey Award winner Roger Langridge – who also did The Muppet Show comic book for Boom!. I loved The Muppet Show adaptation, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that I also loved the relaunch of Peanuts released this past week.