Brain Bleach – Battlestar Galactica As Sappy Network Sitcom

Ok, Rob is currently downstairs up to his eyeballs in a home wiring and plasma television mounting project. Jack Daniels may or may not be involved. You might think that he can’t be productive in the throes of a Jack bender, but I watched him build an entire computer one night in a whiskey blackout. It was Christmas Eve and the next morning he actually thought that Santa had brought him a computer. So cute! And hungover!

Anyway, since we have no live electricity or Internet, I’m posting this from a scant 2G signal begrudgingly supplied by my phone. Ever wonder what would happen if Battlestar Galactica and Friends had a baby? A cheesy, awful, horrific waterhead baby? No? Well, too bad. The same Internet that will give you bukkake clips on demand will also give you this:

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to use what power is left in my phone to dig up 33, find some whiskey, and have a blackout of my own.

Via Gizmodo UK.

Hawkguy Trouble: Hawkeye #9 Review

Hawkeye is one of the best superhero comic books that you can currently buy, and it is because it isn’t about superheroes. Oh sure: it has all the trappings of a standard superhero comic book: it stars an Avenger, it features The Black Widow and Spider-Woman, it has fistfights and a motorcycle chase and international crime and women of mystery, but those aren’t the things that Hawkeye, and in particular Hawkeye #9, is about. For all the action and the trappings, Hawkeye #9 is about a guy who has made some bad decisions  – some for good reasons and some not – and is dealing with the consequences of how those decisions have affected the women in his life, and by extension how those women’s reactions are affecting him.

So Hawkeye #9 is a story about some superheroes, but it is not a superhero story. It is, instead, a very human story that anyone with any regrets over how they have treated someone close to them, or anyone who has felt let down by someone close to them, can relate to. And it includes Russian mobsters getting the living shit kicked out of them on more than one occasion. Which means that this is an extraordinary issue of an extraordinary comic book, and one of the best books in the past several weeks.

Seriously: considering there’s another issue this week where Hawkeye fights Ultrons, it says a lot that Hawkeye’s most compelling conflict this week is with Spider-Woman over an old girlfriend. This is a good one, kids.

Space Cowboy Butttext, Or: First Second Printing

Based on the comics news of the past couple of days, there have been thousands of comic readers who have wondered, based on the initial indications that it would be impossible to get Saga #12 on the iPad or the iPhone because of Apple’s App Store policies, and the subsequent news that Comixology had never submitted the issue to Apple for sale, how they would get their hands on that particular comic book. For a while, it seemed like the rarest comic book in the world on sale this week.

However, based on this picture…

…that clearly isn’t the case.

But before we talk about the misstated rarity of Saga #12, or any of the rest of the comics in that photo, let’s talk about this one, which seems to be a genuine Goddamned rarity:

That is a copy of Invincible Universe #1, which was released for the first time today. Which means that it is an initial printing. And yet if you click that picture to enlarge it, and look under the issue number, it clearly says, “Second Printing.” And while it might be an apocryphal story, the owner of my local comic store, where they know me by name and often tell me, “Rob, you are a long-time and valued customer, so long as I can’t prove you’re the source of those awful stains,” told me that his is the only comic store in America who received first-print copies of the issue with the “second printing” indicia stamped on it. And if he is correct, and / or telling me the truth, that means that that photograph is of a comic book of which there are only eighteen copies in existence.

I just bought a 55-inch TV, which is being delivered tomorrow. If you’d like to pay for it in exchange for a weird issue of Invincible Universe, ping me in the comments.

But anyway, regardless of comics that are rare because of Space Cowboy Butttext, or because of misprinted print issuance indicia, its still a pretty decent week for comics. We’ve got a new issue of Scott Snyder’s Batman, the second issue of DC’s Constantine, the final issue of Mark Millar’s and Dave Gibbons’s The Secret Service, the issue of Batman & Robin that supposedly gives us Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns Carrie Kelly as Robin, and a bunch of other cool stuff!

But before we can address any of them, we need time to read them. Well, either that or read them and then slab them and slap them on eBay before a real second printing is issued, but one way or the other: until we can do that…

…see you tomorrow, suckers!

Fruit Forbidding: Apple App Store Refuses Sale of Saga #12

Update, 4/10/2013, 5:50 p.m.: As contributor Lance Manion pointed out in the comments, it turns out that Apple isn’t the party that censored Saga #12. It was Comixology themselves. Details at the end of the original story, after the jump.

———————-

The Internet is an interesting place. It’s a place where, by simply closing your eyes, pounding on your keyboard with your fist and pressing the Enter key, you can see pictures, in living color, of a woman with a substance abuse problem blowing a horse.

It is also a place where you can obtain anything that can be turned into ones and zeroes that you want, completely for free, much to the consternation of major media producers. But thankfully, most of those media producers have embraced the possibilities of the Internet, making their content instantly available to anyone with a credit card – you know, adults – instantly, and at a reasonable price. And all across a medium that only fifteen years ago was best known as a delivery vector for animal pornography and autopsy photos.

Well, unless you’re trying to ply your wares through Apple’s App Store. A company and a store who have, in their infinite wisdom, decided not to accept Image Comics’s Saga #12 for sale via the iOS Comixology app due to two images of gay sex. Because God forbid that a consenting adult be allowed to decide to purchase a cartoon that includes two panels of sex acts on their iPad – a device widely used to make it possible to view and masturbate to high-definition pornography in a public toilet stall.

So, what with Apple acting in a manner similar to Wal-Mart and other prudish, yet powerful, corporate overlords who want to tell you what you can and can’t read or watch, I imagine Saga creators Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples, and their little publisher Image, have agreed to self-censor their book in order to gain access to iPads, yes?

Yeah, no.

Hulk And His Anonymous Friends: Indestructible Hulk #6 Review

Editor’s Note: Hulk spoil!

Let’s start off with this: that’s a great cover. But since I am emotionally no older than 12 years old, all I keep thinking is that if you obscure Thor’s hammer, what you’ve got is a spectacular pin-up of The Hulk after a horrific night of Taco Bell.

Second: I really wanted to like Indestructible Hulk #6. I am generally a fan comics that are written by Mark Waid, and as a dude who was reading comics back in the 80s, I will buy damn near anything pencilled by Walt Simonson, particularly an issue that you can tell based on the cover features Thor. For a generation of comic geeks, having Simonson draw Thor is appointment comic reading second only to maybe seeing Todd McFarlane draw Hulk.

And having read through the issue a couple of times, it turns out that seeing Simonson draw Thor again is one of two good reasons to read the book, the other being the final panel, which I’ll get to in a minute. But otherwise, this is a decompressed first issue of a longer arc that asks more questions than it answers, but in many cases not teasing the mysteries well enough to make them compelling rather than incomplete and confusion. And worse: while, again, it’s nice to see Simonson’s Thor again, his storytelling choices take characters that are meant to be enigmatic and instead makes them cannon fodder.

This one’s only okay, guys. On a good day.

Freedom Is Free Again: Comixology Ready To Deliver On Marvel’s SXSW Free Comics Offer

Once upon a time in a magical land known as Austin, during a festival known as South By Southwest where the peasants celebrate the coming of spring by paying nine bucks a beer to their corporate betters, the benevolent kings of Marvel Comics announced that they would bestow a boon upon the common folk: 700 classic and new tales of knights and heroes, delivered instantly into their homes, notebooks and even their pockets, all thanks to the magic of their House Wizards at Comixology, known far and wide as the most proficient magicians in the delivery of these tales (or at least amongst the last ones standing).

But alas, no sooner did the Day of Giving arrive than the secret magicks of the Wizards of Comics Delivery failed, leaving hundreds without their promised boon, and some wondering just what in the hell they had been paying the magicians for in the first place.

Which is a long and stupid way to go to say that, about a month after Comixology was forced, due to server load, to suspend Marvel’s offer of a few days of free comics, they have told those who emailed them to say that yes: they wanted the free comics, fer Christ’s sake, that they will soon see their patience rewarded.

Sexy Beast. Or Maybe Blue Balls: Bryan Singer Reveals Beast’s Look in Days of Future Past

While we have been talking about the rapidly ramping up hype around this summer’s geek and genre movies, the cool thing about living in this part of the 21st Century is that no one is waiting to see how the comic book flicks do this year before they make more: we’ve already got at least four of them in the pipe for next year.

As we speak, Marvel Studios has Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Thor: The Dark World and Guardians of The Galaxy being whipped together, but let’s not forget the Grand Old Man of modern superhero movies: the new X-Men, Days of Future Past, directed by Bryan Singer, the dude who put together the first two X-Men flicks (and I guarantee you that he thanks God for that fact every day, since there ain’t no one wandering around referring to Singer’s accolades as the director of Superman Returns, or Valkyrie).

And even though Singer is relatively early into production on Days of Future Past, he’s done a good job using Twitter to keep the rabid fans on the edges of their seats. Not too long ago, he Tweeted pictures of a bunch of the actors attached to the movie, but now he’s moved to showing off some early makeup effects. Specifically that of Nicholas Hoult in his Beast makeup. Which you can check out after the jump.

T-Minus 27 Days: First Complete Iron Man 3 Scene Released

We are about a month away from the start of summer movie season, and to this day, it feels a little funny to say that this early in April. Back when I was a really little kid, “summer movies” were, well, just movies that came out in the summer, and generally amounted to whatever Disney re-release fronted the double bill at the drive-in theater, where my parents gambled on me falling asleep in the back of the Dodge Aspen early enough for them to get hammered in relative peace and bemoan that they ever decided to have children.

But Jaws, in June 1975, changed all that, with Star Wars moving the start of summer blockbuster season up to Memorial Day. And that’s how it was until Spider-Man moved the magic date up to the first Friday in May back in 2002, and where it has stayed, guaranteeing a huge blockbuster on that day… and a giant pile of expensive shit that Hollywood knows sucks, but is still hoping will lure in enough bored dupes looking for something to do on a Friday night to make back the production investment, the weekend before (hello, Pain & Gain!).

But regardless: the season is coming, and we are, as we have stated in the past, most looking forward to Iron Man 3. Sure, we could spend our early spring looking forward to geek movies like, say, Man of Steel – and make no mistake, we kind of are – but as we have established, this is not our first rodeo. And while the early trailers for Man of Steel look good, we have been burned by a Superman movie made by a director with geek cred starring an unknown before (hello, Superman Returns!), and that one wasn’t even by the poor, deluded schmuck who made Sucker Punch.

So for now, Iron Man 3 is our frontrunner, and since it opens first, on May 3rd, it means we are getting more and more promotional stuff about it. Such as the first complete scene from the movie to be released via Yahoo Screen. It is referred to as “Holiday Greeting,” which is appropriate, because it reminds me of every Christmastime “conversation” I have ever had with my brother. And you can see it after the jump.

Changes in The Weather: Stormwatch #18 Review

Editor’s Note: They try to spoil the world, but they make no effort to change it.

Do yourself a favor and don’t let yourself too pissed off about the fact that we’re staring down the barrel of yet another reboot within the pages of Stormwatch. Sure, it means that the continuity we’ve spent about 54 bucks on since September, 2011 is now an anomalous waste of money with no bearing in the DC Universe, and it means that we get to sit through our third or fourth origins of Apollo and The Midnighter since thinking impure thoughts about Britney Spears was icky for a whole different reason, and we’re now forced to buy into yet another mandate for the existence of a superhero team – first it was a United Nations team, and then they were self-built to save the world, and then they were the descendants of Demon Knights – on an infinite timeline we will reach the point where Stormwatch comes together in an elevator to bring justice to the real bastard: whoever farted.

So you will be tempted to spin yourself up into a screaming frenzy of rage over the fact that, only a year and a half after the New 52 reboot, Stormwatch #19 represents the team’s second full reboot – and it is a full reboot – in less than two years ago. And you might feel the urge to scream because you now need to get used to an almost completely different set of characters, from familiar ones like The Engineer to weird ones like, well, The Weird, who is probably only recognizable to serious 1980s Justice League International fans who read an obscure 1988 miniseries featuring the character – a miniseries that I don’t believe has ever been reprinted, and for which I now need to dig through God knows how many longboxes to find. And you could find yourself frothing over the changes to more familiar, classic Stormwatch characters that writer Jim Starlin has chosen to make – Jenny Soul? Really? Warren Ellis created Jenny Sparks as the Spirit of The Twentieth Century due to the rise of electricity, so the Spirit of the Twenty-First Century is Jenny Soul? What, did Bob Harras shoot down “Jenny Xenu”?

You might feel this rage – and clearly I am feeling some of it as well. But you shouldn’t feel it, for a few specific reasons that I will get to in a second. But mostly you shouldn’t feel it because the story doesn’t warrant it. Not because it’s an awesome story, because it certainly isn’t. It’s okay, inoffensive and talky on a good day, and it builds the team based on stakes that, compared to what brought Warren Ellis’s, or even Paul Cornell’s Stormwatch, barely seem to exist at all.

But you shouldn’t let it piss you off. For reasons that we shall discuss.

Post-Foreplay, Pre-Climax: The Superior Spider-Man #7 Review

The Superior Spider-Man is not sustainable. It has never been sustainable. We have known this from the beginning.

Let’s face it: The Superior Spider-Man only works for as long as you accept that there’s a megamaniacal supervillain who talks like Ming The Merciless on a coke bender and kills more people as Spider-Man than he did with his pre-body switch Death Satellites pretending to be Peter Parker… without anyone noticing. Including the readers. I have been able to suspend my disbelief on my that plot point for a while, but the entire time I have been reading this book, I have known in the back of my mind that if I called someone a “dolt” more than three times in a month, my friends would demand to know what was wrong… and if I used the term “pilfering parasite” more than once in, well, ever, my own parents would hold me at pitchfork-point until the DNA results came back clean.

The cracks in this whole Doc-Ock-As-Spider-Man conceit are already beginning to show. In the current Marvel crossover event Age of Ultron, which was written by Brian Michael Bendis months ago, Spider-Man is pretty clearly Peter Parker… which caused writer Dan Slott to have to produce last week’s The Superior Spider-Man #6AU (AU for “Age of Ultron”), which tried valiantly to shoehorn Ock’s version of Spider-Man into the event… even though only a reader who uses the cover of an issue of Age of Ultron to roll a fat one would believe that Otto Octavius has a wisecrack in him that doesn’t include the word “pusillanimous.”

Thankfully, Slott seems to know the limitations of the body-switching gag. Because just over three months into the whole deal, he is simultaneously showing Peter beginning to show a modicum of control over his Otto-infested body, and Spider-Man’s teammates on The Avengers are finally convinced that something isn’t right with the guy. And while all this is happening with what feels like a fairly contrived situation just to show the extent of Doc Ock’s newly-found moral relativism, it’s good to finally see the noose tightening on this whole gimmick.