Spoilers Incorporated: DC, New York Post Spoil Events of Batman Incorporated #8

Editor’s Note: While I will try to avoid including any spoilers for Batman Incorporated #8 in this piece, it is a story about DC and The New York Post spoiling Batman Incorporated #8. It is a difficult task, like trying to defuse a bomb while looking at a green wire with a yellow stripe, and a yellow stripe with a green stripe.

Yesterday, my co-Editor Amanda asked me idly why there wasn’t the same kind of mainstream press coverage of the events of last week’s Batwoman #17 as there was last May when Northstar did something similar in Astonishing X-Men. She had theories about the public perceptions of lesbians versus gay men, or the widening public acceptance of gay marriage in even the last nine months, but my theory? “Dan DiDio didn’t bother to pick up the phone and call a newspaper to tell them about it. Period. Full stop. It’s not like mainstream newspaper reporters make the comic store part of their local beat, hoping for a page four feature story.”

Well, this morning, it looks like my theory was proved correct. Because DiDio, or someone at DC Editorial, has called The New York Post and spoiled the living shit out of Batman Incorporated #8.

And, while I promised not to spoil the events of the book as reported by The Post, more detailed information that could spoil the book, including the link to the original Post story, will appear after the jump.

Dropping Balls: Rob’s Top 10 Comics of 2012

It is New Year’s Eve of the first complete year of the existence of Crisis On Infinite Midlives. We have all the comics we’re going to get in 2012, so it is time to publish my list of the best comics of the year… mostly because with no new comics, there isn’t much to review, and the biggest comics news we’re likely to get between now and Wednesday is likely to be “Frank Miller Publicly Intoxicated, Yells At ‘Hippies.’ Must Be Tuesday.”

So here’s my list; Amanda’s will appear later today. It is in no particular order, it encompasses everything from single issues to multi-issue story arcs to series that started in 2011 and ended this year. And I know what you’re thinking: “Rob,” you’re thinking, “Why don’t you organize things a little more? And use some consistent criteria for your list?” Well, because fuck you, that’s why. Look: it’s New Year’s Eve, and I intend to be recklessly intoxicated within about 90 minutes from the time I press the “publish” button.

So without further (or any) ado: here’s my list!

Zombie Apocalypse: Batman Incorporated #5 Review

Editor’s Note: Babylon falls! The spoilers you defended are meaningless!

Back in 2007. Batman #666 kind of came out of nowhere, clearly a result of Grant Morrison realizing he was writing a issue numbered “666”, rubbing his hands together and cackling gleefully around a mouthful of peyote.

Batman #666 introduced Damian Wayne as Batman, having taken over the mantle after some unexplained thing happened to Bruce Wayne fifteen years in the future. Damian is a gun-toting, trenchcoat-wearing lethal version of Batman, who has sold his soul to the devil and must battle a demon for the future of Gotham City… and none of that description, by the way, is an Issac Hayes style euphemism to make Damian sound tough; these are things that actually happened. Imagine listening to the Theme From Shaft and feeling the slowly-dawning horror when you realize that John Shaft actually fucked his mother. And apparently did it badly. Yeah. Welcome to shoot-first, sell-your-soul-to-Satan-even-sooner Batman.

The whole issue was kind of a goof, and as a gimmick issue, the whole thing kind of came and went without further comment in the story arc. But due to the asskicking nature of Damian as Batman, the issue has become a fan favorite (not my favorite, but your mileage may vary), and I don’t think a San Diego Comic-Con that had Morrison in attendance has gone by without some fan asking when we would see Damian’s Batman again. To which Morrison would reply: “Schoor toor ach Damian fchoor ich dloor Mescaline schaar ploor Scotland.” Dude has one hell of an accent is all I’m saying, but I digress.

Well, their wait is over. Batman Incorporated #5 is Morrison’s version of The Dark Knight Returns for Damian’s version of Batman, It is the imaginary final battle for that version of Batman, featuring his final conflict against his most dangerous antagonist with the fate of Gotham City hanging in the balance. However, unlike Frank Miller’s classic, Morrison accomplishes it in less than 20 pages (appropriate for a character who showed up for about 20 pages more than five years ago), and considering it tells the story of an apocryphal version of Batman who exists purely thanks to a vagary of issue numbering, it is surprisingly effective.

Ensign Wesley Crusher Blues: Action Comics #14 Review

Editor’s Note: Well, I certainly hope this little incident hasn’t put you off spoilers, miss. Statistically speaking, of course, it’s still the safest way to review.

Before I forget: there’s one astronaut in Action Comics #14 who is the primary candidate to be that astronaut who’s pulled over by the state police with a bottle of pharmaceutical amphetamines, a box of Depends, a roll of duct tape and a switchblade. See if you can guess which one! But that’s not important right now.

Action Comics #14 is going to work for you, or not work, depending on how you feel about Silver Age Superman stories, because this is one. From unlikely astronauts on a truly improbable mission that has never been mentioned before (and probably never will be again) to unlikely pseudoscience that can only be accomplished because Superman’s there to accomplish it, to a familiar yet faintly ridiculous antagonist, to a Fifth-Dimensional Imp, the only difference between this and any Superman comic book from, say, 1965 is the actual danger the astronauts are put in an the big, goofy Curt Swan Superman smile… which artist Rags Morales actually apes in one panel.

So this is a tough issue to be objective about because it is ridiculous… but it is kinda supposed to be ridiculous. It features people in distress who can only be saved by Superman – including a kid who clearly idolizes Superman – even though it requires you to believe that these pussies (and children!) are the hardy sort who would be the first to terraform another planet. It needs you to be okay with the idea that ten thousand Christian angels would have a hard-on to tear Mars a new asshole, and that a human distress call from the surface of Mars would attract less attention from the citizens of Earth than the landing of a remote controlled Tonka truck that made this dude the jack fantasy for every female XKCD reader in the English speaking world.

So this story has some logical issue, but the logical issues seem to be there on purpose. So the overriding question is: does it work?

Chinese Democracy: Grant Morrison Teases Multiversity Miniseries

We here at Crisis On Infinite Midlives didn’t attend MorrisonCon in Las Vegas this weekend, partly because we’re still paying off our trip to the San Diego Comic-Con, and partly because no trip to a town featuring easy access to gambling and free liquor is likely to end well for us. However, that meant we missed out on some breaking news that is trickling from the convention, such as the fact that Morrison’s Multiversity series, that was initially announced for a 2009 release date, just after Infinite Crisis, is now scheduled for sometime late next year. To which I can only say: yeah, I’ll believe it when I fucking see it.

The miniseries will reportedly be eight issues, with six one-shots each focusing on a different parallel universe, with a two-part conclusion crossing over the various Earths’ heroes. And each issue looks to be packed with story, containing a 38-page primary story and an eight-page backup. And considering this thing will have been in the works for nearly half a decade by the time it hits comic stores, that seems like a fair per-book length; anything shorter might imply that Morrison had spent all this time fucking around, which seems unlikely… or even less likely, that someone at DC had actually edited the damn things.

Semi-Strong Batch: Batman Incorporated #3 Review

Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it? Well, it wasn’t so bad in relation to the July shootings that led to Batman Incorporated #3 being delayed for a month. From a storytelling standpoint, it’s another matter, but I’ll get back to that.

Batman Incorporated #3 has a lot going for it, and that is a surprising thing for a guy who hasn’t been digging Grant Morrison’s Batman stories to say. Morrison delivers us a 70s style detective story, with Batman spending a large part of the issue undercover – Batman doesn’t appear in full costume in a single panel of this issue –  trying to root out Leviathan and Talia Al Ghul. It’s not a perfect issue, but it’s generally a refreshing throwback to Neal Adams / Dennis O’Neil stories from the 70s, with the weirdness for the sake of weirdness that Morrison can’t seem to help himself from chucking into his Batman stories dialed back to a dull roar. Not no roar, but it’s subdued enough for me to alternate between hoping Morrison might be mellowing, and suspecting that his mescaline dealer coughed up a weak batch.

With that said, this issue suffers from a few storytelling problems, and requires a few voluntary leaps in logic if you want to truly enjoy it… which means that the “weak batch” theory is getting more of a foothold with me.

Back In The Shadows: Batman Incorporated #3 Delayed

So now it’s a comic book story: DC Comics and the Batman editorial team have decided to delay this week’s scheduled release of Batman Incorporated #3 due to “content that may be perceived as insensitive in light of recent events.”

Wow, that content must be a pisser. Let’s see what the original issue’s solicitation says about it:

BATMAN, INCORPORATED #3
Written by GRANT MORRISON
Art and cover by CHRIS BURNHAM
Variant cover by JAY FABOK
1:100 B&W Variant cover by CHRIS BURNHAM
On sale JULY 25 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T
Combo Pack Edition: $3.99
Retailers: This issue will ship with three covers. Please see the order form for more information.
• The DC COMIC – THE NEW 52 debut of…MATCHES MALONE??
• BATMAN is hot on the trail of whoever is trying to kill DAMIAN – and he’s not going to like what he finds!

Okay, with an appearance by Batman’s undercover alter ego Matches Malone, this seems like it’s going to be an organized crime story… which at face value seems pretty innocuous compared to the theater shootings, but on one hand, one could argue that, for the next couple of weeks, any Batman story with a shooting might touch a nerve. Further, since the story is about someone trying to kill Damian Wayne – a ten-year-old kid – seeing a gun on him in the context of the theater shootings might be a little sensitive, whether or not the ten-year-old kid in question is a trained ninja assassin.

Play From Your Heart: Batman Incorporated #1 Review

Let’s start with the thing about Batman Incorporated #1 that stuck out the most for me: the next time some comics writer namechecks Bill Hicks for the sake of namechecking Bill Hicks, I’ll fucking glass them. Yes, the man was a genius, but that was twenty years ago; to put it in terms music people might understand, referencing Bill Hicks is the equivalent of trying to look hip by dropping Queensryche references. It’s irritating hipster behavior. Stop it.

Other things that should probably be avoided in order to prevent raising my ire include, but are not limited to: referencing old stories, some of them classics that were never meant to be part of current continuity, as a wink and a nod to the reader… and coming up with another “Bat{$animalName}” just because you thought that shit was cool when you were twelve, even if that new animal is pretty fucking funny.

Little things like this press my buttons, and they expose an endemic problem I am likely to have whenever I review a Batman comic written by Grant Morrison. He has been riding on gimmicks like this since the start of his run years ago, and they thoroughly turned me off. Because of this, I have an inherent bias when I read his Batman stuff; I expect to not like it, and therefore I start looking for things in the book to support that hypothesis. When the reality is, if I’m honest, there is a potentially decent Batman story at the core of Batman Incorporated #1… the only question is whether it will survive the comics hipster references that have collapsed Morrison’s prior Batman work under its own weight.

Guess The Change In My Pocket Wasn’t Enough: Action Comics #9 Review

Editor’s Note: This is Lex Luthor. Only one thing alive with less than four legs can hear this spoiler, Superman, and it’s you.

Grant Morrison doesn’t do anything by half measures, but he outdoes even himself in Action Comics #9. In 20 short pages, he manages to level searing indictments against comic fans, comic publishers, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, possibly Zack Snyder, and definitely almost anyone who’s written Superman between 1986 and 2011.

At best, this book might – just might – be Morrison’s comment on the upcoming Before Watchmen series. However, at worst it is, for all intents and purposes, a giant and ringing “fuck you” to just about any human being anywhere who might touch it, with the possible exception of Morrison himself. But that’s okay, because that gives me something to do.

Winning Friends And Influencing People: Grant Morrison On Batman

Grant Morrison was in Playboy this month. He was young, he needed the money. Thank you folks; I’ll be here all week… I live here.

But seriously: one month after featuring Michonne’s origin story from The Walking Dead, Playboy’s latest issue features an interview with Morrison that’s based around short blurb quotes about characters Morrison has written. Playboy seems to have a sudden enthusiasm for comics these days; perhaps Hef has realized that comic book fan are amongst the only people actually buying printed periodical magazines these days… although it’s more likely that he saw a picture of Rogue by Jim Lee and wheedled, “Get that big boobed girl for the centerfold! And someone change my diaper! We are at full boom-boom alert!” But I digress.

Morrison has some interesting things to say about characters he’s had a hand in – particularly King Mob and Fanny from The Invisibles – but he saves his most… shall we say, interesting… comments for Batman: